Big, discontented sighs . . .

Lucas goes to Brian's on Saturday for his first overnight. This one was my idea because Bri has asked for him overnight on Christmas night. Christmas can be overwhelming for little ones with all the commotion, so I thought an overnight before Christmas would be wise. Plus, I'm so nervous and sad that I didn't want to spend Christmas night all freaked out because it was his first night away.

So, I have absolutely no concerns that Lucas won't be well cared for while he is away. He will be doted over, I'm sure. I think it's just that separation. I know that it's going to be foreign to him and I can't explain it to him so he can understand it. I'm still nursing a few times a day as well, so I'm worried how that's going to go over at bedtime and at wake up.

I know how important it is to grow this bond with Brian. I think I just continue to struggle with the realization that this isn't the way things were "supposed" to be. Not with marriage or anything (those are separate issues - ha ha), but with parenting. When I imagined being a mom, I never imagined having to let my one year old, still a baby, spend the night elsewhere a few times a month . . . Which will eventually grow into a few whole weekends a month. It just sucks and it makes me sad. But that's me pouting. I may never get the opportunity to have more children and this might just be the way God intended it to be for me (just not sure why yet). I am committed to making sure that Lucas has EVERY part of his family and doing what's best for him, and that is very often what doesn't feel right for me. He's gonna have a blast with his Daddy.

So, I will be sad, anxious, and so on, but hopefully that fades with time and practice. After all, I heard someone say the other day that motherhood is the art of slowly letting go. Bittersweet, and very true.