Time

I find myself searching for more time. I do this now way more than I ever have before. I feel like there isn't ever enough time in the day to do everything without sacrificing something. So what do you sacrifice and how do you deal with that?

I think some of this is the product of it just being Lucas and I, which makes me primarily responsible for everything that comes with taking care of a house. I'm not splitting duties with anyone. I also work full time in a job that can be mighty stressful. I know I'm not as good of a boss as I used to be, but I think I'm ok with that.

I'm not good at balancing this all out so it feels good. Maybe that's what it means to be a grown up.

I think about other single parents I've watched do this and I am left skeptical. I work full time and have a son. I'm not going to school, I don't have multiple kids, I don't have multiple jobs, my knitting is basically in a constant state of hibernation, and I'm not dating anyone. Yet I have seen countless others do more than one of these "extras" along with working and being a single parent. I'm skeptical that they weren't in a constant state of panic and stress.

Adding anything at this moment would make me question my quality time spent with Lucas. But I want to knit and get my master's degree. I want to have more kids. I want to have a yard to take care of. But I want to be the best mom I can be first. I don't want Lucas spending more time in childcare, in front of a tv, or with a babysitter than he has to. I want to take him camping and swimming and roller skating. I don't want to be the cranky, stressed out mom.

None of this really makes any logical sense except that I know it's a process. There will never be a magic formula. It's always going to be cluttered. Perfection doesn't exist in this journey. I'm always going to be sleep deprived. But when I look back, it will all be worth it and I'll have learned so much (I already have).