So, it's been a busy few weeks in our household. First of all, let me say, I am thrilled to pieces that Lucas has been so much healthier this year. Even if he gets a cold and coughs until the end of winter, it will still be an improvement from last year. Yes!!!
I was telling Sara today, as we watched Lucas and Easton play, that our boys are turning into preschoolers before our very eyes. Those little baby bellies are slimming down. Those rolls in their legs are slowly disappearing. Those words are flowing together into sentences. Bittersweet.
I nursed Lucas for much longer than I thought I was going to. I was always a firm believer that a year was the absolute most I would nurse. As Lucas turned 2 in November, I was still nursing once before bed and once right at wake up. I knew he didn't need it anymore (nutritionally). I also know that he could fall asleep and stay asleep without it and be just fine (he does it at his dad's just fine). I also didn't want his first memory to be of me saying "no more". I knew it was getting time to say goodbye to that last part of Lucas' infancy, but I was terribly worried that he would be so upset.
One night, a few weeks ago, it was just Lucas and I at bedtime. He had been at Brian's on most of Saturday and Sunday, so it had already been a few days since he'd nursed. As we got ready for our normal bedtime routine, I sat him on my lap and he said, "Night-night?" This is what he calls it because he attributes it to when he goes to sleep. I said, "No, night-night is all gone." He looked at me, whined for about a half second, and said with some finality, "Night-night all gone." I tried rocking him to sleep, because that seemed like what he'd tolerate normally, but he just wasn't falling asleep. So, I took him back to his crib and laid him in it. I wedged my arm through the crib slats and rubbed his back, singing him to sleep. He crashed, tear free. I was amazed!! It couldn't be this easy.
I prepared for the next morning, which is our other nursing time. I grabbed a few bananas and crackers, his water cup and my computer. When Lucas woke up in the morning, instead of bringing him into my bed with me to nurse, i brought him into my bed, we ate bananas and we watched Barney. He looked at me and said, "Night-night all gone?" And I said, "Yes." It was that easy.
That night, night #2, I did the same routine. As he fell asleep, I started feeling really, really sad. I started crying! He sat up and looked at me, alarmed, and said, "Mama?" I tried to perk up and I helped him lay back down. I got him to sleep and then bawled my eyes out, on the couch, mourning the loss of my baby. I texted a few of my friends and they assured me that I wasn't crazy. I also Googled the side effects of stopping breastfeeding and hormone surges are one of those fantastic side effects. Hormones or not, this was a relationship that Lucas and I had for over two years. He is getting so big and although I am so thankful that he is a healthy, developmentally normal little guy, I get a little emotional with every step away from me that he takes.
I have a friend, and in one of those text messages where I was all hormonally teary, he said to me, "He's still going to need you for a long, long time." This made me feel better.
Now, our night time routine has changed so much. It's actually a lot easier. At 7:00 we get into the PJ's, take the medicines, change the diaper, do the puffer and brush teeth. Our favorite part of this time is guessing which animal his multivitamin will be. Lucas always guesses it will be an elephant. Anyone who is at home with us at this time usually participates in the guessing. At 7:15 or so (or earlier if it doesn't take us that long to get ready), we read. Reading is so important. I love reading to Lucas. We have so much fun reading. This is one of my most favorite times of the evening with him. As wrapped up in the day, cleaning, bill-paying, working, blah-blah-blah, as I get, I still like to shut it all off for AT LEAST that chunk of time. Right now he's really into "Good Dog Carl", "Snow", "Puff the Magic Dragon", and the rabbit airplane book (I can't remember the name of it at this moment). He's really fascinated by the letters "O" and "S" right now, so we point out the O's and S's in the titles. We note that the rabbit book and the snow book both have won the Caldecott Medal and have it displayed on the cover (we call in the "neigh" award because it has a horse on it). There are all sorts of routines with each book. Lucas named the baby in "Good Dog Carl" after his friend at school, Natalie. In the "Snow" book it's a story about a boy and his dog in the snow, so we've renamed the characters Lucas and Strudel. We've given names to all the people in the pictures hanging on the wall in the story.
After stories, around 7:30-7:35, we go into Lucas' bedroom. I give him all sorts of kisses and hugs and lay him in his crib. Then I have ach of his "animals" tell him "goodnight" and give him kisses. Then I arrange them around him in his crib. I ask him what color he wants me to make his owl (it's a bedtime nightlight). He usually says, "blue". Then I ask him what color he wants me to make his frog (lights up stars on the ceiling). He says, "Not pink!" Every night he says this. His owl will light up pink, but his frog doesn't have a pink color. He thinks it's funny to point this out! Then I lay two big blankets on him and finally his giraffe blanket. Then I sit next to his crib and rub his back and sing to him. First I sing "Twinkle, Twinkle" and then I sing "You Are my Sunshine" until he's asleep. I've made up new verses to "You Are my Sunshine" (besides the verse we all know). The other REAL verses to the song are really sad and awful. I love the song so much though, so I've made up happier verses to go with the chorus. I plan to keep him in his crib awhile longer, but I'm almost excited to get him into a bed so we can read stories and I can sing and lay with him instead of trying to wedge my arm through the crib slats!
Lucas falls asleep faster with this routine. He also has been sleeping, on average, an hour longer in the morning. I think it's because he knows there is no more "night-night" to wake up to. So, he sleeps in. Every day, at least 2-3 times, he'll ask me or tell me, "Night-night all gone?" But he's never gotten upset about it. Meanwhile, this milk machine over here, over two weeks later, still has milk. GEEEZE! How long does this take?
I hope, in whatever future I have in store for me, that I am blessed enough to have another child. I would love to share this experience with someone. But, I'm 33. Biological clock's a ticking. I'm single. Even if I met someone tomorrow, building a relationship takes time. There's a 50/50 chance that I won't get that opportunity to have more kids. And while it makes me very sad, I'm working very hard to enjoy this time I have with my Lucas. I am lucky enough to get THIS opportunity. I very much love this part of my life.
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